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A Letter to My Former Self

Dear Pooja,

We go back, way back to the beginning of time and we’ll forever remain connected in a way that nobody else will – or – could ever understand.

We’ve laughed, loved, been beaten, abused, withstood the storms life has thrown our way and fallen to our knees crying when life has taken its toll. In spite of it all – we somehow muddled our way through.

I must admit, I haven’t always been kind to you. There were times I left you floundering on your own, relying on the love and strength from others to lift you up and validate you – when it was me who should have held you up.

Instead of appreciating you and praising you for the amazing person you are, I tormented you. Instead of admiring your reflection in the mirror, I judged you and tore you to pieces with my harsh words.

I bullied you into believing that being ‘different’, living life on your terms or going against cultural norms was wrong. That on some level you were wrong.

I rarely told you that I loved or admired you for your beauty, compassion, intelligence and emotional strength. And, I never reminded you that the hero you were hoping would come along to rescue you was within you all along.

I should have told you not to care what others think, to not be afraid to be different or to be ashamed of who you are and what you had been through. The consequence of me not doing so, meant you spent years feeling like you weren’t enough.

This feeling of lack meant you chased after love from sources outside of yourself. You put up with people treating you like crap because you were terrified of being abandoned and rejected and when the heartache of it all got too much and wore down your soul, you would numb it with intoxicants to mask how you felt and silence your pain.

You spent years of your life believing that if you were more attractive, thinner, smarter, less rebellious, more successful and more like other ‘good girls’ who did things by the book that you’d be accepted, respected and loved.

I said things to you that I wouldn’t even whisper to my worst enemy and you absorbed and internalised every word of it. In spite of it all, you somehow managed to shrug your shoulders, keep a smile on your face and pretend that you were okay.

But deep down, you believed that you didn’t deserve to be here and when the weight of those words finally got too much, you tried to leave this world just so you could make everything STOP.

When I saw you laying in that hospital bed, a broken woman whose heart had been smashed into pieces and who felt upset that she’d somehow even managed to fail departing this world, I knew I’d pushed you too far.

I should have been there for you. I should have loved you and fought harder to be the person you deserved. I should have protected you, stood up for you and reminded you that you were worthy of your place on earth.

I’m so sorry that I failed you. I’m sorry for hurting you, abandoning you and not spending more time reminding you of how kind, brave and powerful you are.

Please forgive me and know that from now on, i will only affirm that you are significant, you are worthy, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are strong and you ARE ENOUGH!

Life won’t always go your way, but that’s okay – because you and me have become a WE and WE will ALWAYS rise up together!

Know, that you don’t need anyone else’s approval or love to be whole. Together WE are whole and in being whole, we shall light the way for others to be whole too.

My promise to you, is that I will always respect, honour and cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

Love,
Pooja xx

 

 

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